The intention was to start this week with a positive mindset. However, the first day of the working week saw me arriving home and crying for the first time in ages. In the past, I was much more of a crier but now I'm a little more numb to expressing emotions. I have nothing against crying, I just got better at suppressing my feelings. Actually no, I take that statement back, because in all honesty I just learnt better coping mechanisms, which in turn, greatly reduced my levels of sensitivity in precarious situations. Now to get pretty deep.
The reason why I became so numb in my response to negative situations is due to what I have endured. Let me just clarify something, I am in no way claiming to have 'been through the mill', nor is this intended to be a comparison of one's predicament to another - something that's kept me moving forward is the fact that someone else out there ALWAYS has it worse. I won't go right into my past, but in the space of a year (circa 2016-17) I got made redundant twice and was involved in a car accident. In conjunction with prior happenings, it seems logical one would of built resistance to feeling pain. Something horrible happens and yet, the blow doesn't fully pierce through your skin, so there's minimal or no wound.
The reason why I became so numb in my response to negative situations is due to what I have endured. Let me just clarify something, I am in no way claiming to have 'been through the mill', nor is this intended to be a comparison of one's predicament to another - something that's kept me moving forward is the fact that someone else out there ALWAYS has it worse. I won't go right into my past, but in the space of a year (circa 2016-17) I got made redundant twice and was involved in a car accident. In conjunction with prior happenings, it seems logical one would of built resistance to feeling pain. Something horrible happens and yet, the blow doesn't fully pierce through your skin, so there's minimal or no wound.
As I write this new paragraph, I'm in the midst of some sort of anxiety attack, typing to suppress the symptoms of a full blown panic attack. The key here is to try and NOT panic when you feel yourself getting lightheaded, in addition to the weird twangs of pain in your chest, back, stomach and shoulders. The weird tingly pain sensations in your hands and the feeling of being trapped in an otherworldly dimension. I'm also dealing with it by typing away, focusing on getting tasks done before moving onto another before the clock hits 5:30pm - so much to do in a short space of time indeed. I'm not loathe to telling my nearest and dearest that I'm struggling but I do not want to be seen as a vulnerable being due to health reasons. I mean, not many of us want to be perceived as a poor, troubled soul who can't handle day to day tasks that are taken for granted by many, whether you're in a working environment, at home or in a public setting.
I left this post for the night, started a new day and popped into the grocery store to get a few essentials. Thought I'd try my new bank card in the pay slot machine - naturally, it failed, so I held up the que, quickly dashing out the shop to the bank cash-machine to withdraw money; which worked fine can I add. So I strolled into work with my head held highest as possible, trying to forget that little mishap, as these things happen and life goes on. Now, the following might seem more trivial, but appropriate for my ramblings that detail a fairly underwhelming week. The cosplay community for the most part, is a pleasant one and I've met some wonderful friends through it, online and during conventions.
Unfortunately, like any community, it's not without it's negativity and I've experienced something I believe a lot of other cosplayers have endured. I do not have a large following online. I am trying to grow my Instagram account but not to a significant extent, as I do not have the time to be able to commit to growing a (for example) 50K plus platform. If I can get back to 1000 followers with a matching ratio of likes/reach, I'll be happy. My old account had a total of 3K followers but I was beginning to find it difficult to keep up with the communicative side of things and forces of nature prompted me to rid of the account entirely. Only now I'm more ready to stick to a theme and carefully analyse the wants and behaviours of followings; but still, that's more me using my marketing background than anything.
Unfortunately, like any community, it's not without it's negativity and I've experienced something I believe a lot of other cosplayers have endured. I do not have a large following online. I am trying to grow my Instagram account but not to a significant extent, as I do not have the time to be able to commit to growing a (for example) 50K plus platform. If I can get back to 1000 followers with a matching ratio of likes/reach, I'll be happy. My old account had a total of 3K followers but I was beginning to find it difficult to keep up with the communicative side of things and forces of nature prompted me to rid of the account entirely. Only now I'm more ready to stick to a theme and carefully analyse the wants and behaviours of followings; but still, that's more me using my marketing background than anything.
As previously discussed, my largest barrier is confidence and only I alone can change that. It's easy for me to doubt my whole life, let alone cosplans. Come Thursday, I arrived home and broke down once again. It's now Friday and despite how rubbish I've felt and my negative evaluation of the week, I'm determined that I'll have a better weekend and hopefully a better week. I am writing this sentence having endured the weekend and I am happy to report it was better than my week, even if I felt emotionally and physically drained through the whole of it.
Sunday night is here and here are my concluding thoughts, following the past week: It was truly an eye opener for me in terms of the shadier side of the cosplay community. There are some people who 'tell' us forthright they're all about supporting one another, yet in some cases, it's deceitful as they have no issues with being unkind to those with smaller followings. Moral of the story here is; don't put on fronts in an attempt to impress those with larger numbers on their profiles. At the end of the day, they're JUST NUMBERS, it does NOT measure level of talent or decency. As for my myself in general? Always working on improving myself, for myself and that only. There's always someone who's got to pick up heavier pieces than you.....
Sunday night is here and here are my concluding thoughts, following the past week: It was truly an eye opener for me in terms of the shadier side of the cosplay community. There are some people who 'tell' us forthright they're all about supporting one another, yet in some cases, it's deceitful as they have no issues with being unkind to those with smaller followings. Moral of the story here is; don't put on fronts in an attempt to impress those with larger numbers on their profiles. At the end of the day, they're JUST NUMBERS, it does NOT measure level of talent or decency. As for my myself in general? Always working on improving myself, for myself and that only. There's always someone who's got to pick up heavier pieces than you.....
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