Thoughts

Today is a day where I am feeling even worse about myself than I already do.

There's this assumption that because I take "selfies" now and then that I am happy with my appearance and can get on with my day without any worries.

How wrong those assumptions are. In fact, the only times I don't tend to worry about my appearance is when I am having a lazy day at home in my familiar surroundings. 

Everytime I go out with friends, family even my boyfriend, I am constantly mindful of how I look. I have battled these demons since my early teens and you may surprised to know that I actually do not care about what others think of me because all I care about is MY opinion only. In public I feel awkward, light headed and in the spotlight and my flaws feel automatically highlighted.

I constantly compare my looks to other girls. The way they have a much slimmer face and even if they have a nose bump it isn't so long it drags to the top of their lips, the way they have much thinner legs even if they are physically bigger than me, the way that even if they have spots, they still have a basic flawless base where as mine is filled with scars and pigmentation issues.

 I absolutely hate having my photo taken because the camera makes me look a lot bigger than I am in real life. My boyfriend wanted to take pictures of me but I grabbed his phone and deleted them all because my head looked a horrifically large shape and the angle was just super unflattering. I clearly hadn't put enough make-up on because my scars were showing through the camera.

 Then there's the shape of my head, my nose, my lips. The only thing I am bothered about in person is my nose. Weight I can sort out, nose I cannot without money.

You think I take one selfie and that's it? I take about 50, pick one that's acceptable and use an app to cut weight off my face, arms and nose. You could argue my selfies are a lie and look nothing like me but they make me feel at least 5% more ready to face the day, plus I am no way going to use ones took of me by someone else, no way, not ever.

The problem is that in this age we live in, cameras and pictures are a big part of everyday life and I hate it. Everyone else tends to look reasonable in pictures taken of other people most of the time my face looks abnormally fat for some reason and my nose horrendously long and pointy.

I don't care if other people say "you look fine" - that comment pisses me off like no other. Because I do not value your fucking opinions. I am glad I have adopted the attitude to not care about what others think other than my own, yet it also destroys me on a daily basis.

How I wish I could approach every individual that has a photo up of me that makes me want to cry and disappear. That cover or profile picture that makes me want to delete Facebook altogether yet I can't because it is needed for networking. 

Are you going to tell me to get CBT or get hypnotized? Because NEITHER will make me happy with my appearance or others taking pictures of me.

So if you know me, just be mindful I would appreciate it if you didn't take pictures without my permission or put things up on the internet without my consent unless you want to be responsible for ruining my day because that's the honest truth and I will not pretend or lie about it.

Thank you for reading and to anyone who understands any part of this post! :D

Shez :) 

Image Sources:

Ariel: http://data3.whicdn.com/images/122736269/large.gif

Cat and Lion: http://www.farzanabaduel.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/confidence-farzana-featured-600x400.png

Camera: http://stuffpoint.com/galaxy/image/437088/camera-gif-picture/

Pokemon: http://giphy.com/gifs/pokemon-ditto-please-reblog-guys-JukJD3YfnXPkA

Terminator: http://giphy.com/gifs/thumbs-up-terminator-gFwZfXIqD0eNW

Dog: http://giphy.com/gifs/thank-you-cute-a3IWyhkEC0p32